If I Were the United States' Ambassador to Italy...

If I, Anthony St. John,
Were the United States’ Ambassador to Italy…

I.

I would order immediately—with the consent of the President—all ambassadorial and consulate personnel in Italy to the new United States’ Embassy in Afghanistan.

II.

I would require all personnel attached to my offices throughout Italy to speak the Italian language.

III.

I would demand immediately that all members of the Central Stupidity Agency serving in Italy be returned to Washington for intelligence tests of their brains.

IV.

I would make a compartment of a Ferrovie dello Stato train my ambassadorial office and travel throughout Italy Mondays through Fridays.

V.

I would create a television program, An Afternoon Communicating with the United States’ Ambassador to Italy, to be presented every Saturday from 4 pm-6pm, with phone-in and cultural spots.

VI.

I would apologize to the Italian people on behalf of all previous United States’ ambassadors (cretini!) who served in Italy and did not speak Italian and did not communicate with the
Italian people.

VII.

I would create the United States’ Embassy of the Italian and American Peoples—open to all
without being a clubhouse for representatives of special interest groups.

VIII.

I would seek to open a dialogue—in italiano, finally!—with the Italian people.

IX.

I would seek to bring Italians and Americans together in a spirit of friendship and respect.

X.

I would seek to enhance throughout the world the role of both Italy and the United States of America as examples of peace and goodwill.

1 January 2002

Please distribute this plea to your friends.

Send it to the United States’ Embassy in Roma.
FAX: 06-467.42.623

Anthony St. John,

The Outside the Box Ambassador