If I, Anthony St. John,
Were the United States’ Ambassador to Italy…
I would order immediately—with the consent of the President—all ambassadorial and consulate personnel in Italy to the new United States’ Embassy in Afghanistan.
I would require all personnel attached to my offices throughout Italy to speak the Italian language.
I would demand immediately that all members of the Central Stupidity Agency serving in Italy be returned to Washington for intelligence tests of their brains.
I would make a compartment of a Ferrovie dello Stato train my ambassadorial office and travel throughout Italy Mondays through Fridays.
I would create a television program, An Afternoon Communicating with the United States’ Ambassador to Italy, to be presented every Saturday from 4 pm-6pm, with phone-in and cultural spots.
I would apologize to the Italian people on behalf of all previous United States’ ambassadors (cretini!) who served in Italy and did not speak Italian and did not communicate with the
I would create the United States’ Embassy of the Italian and American Peoples—open to all
without being a clubhouse for representatives of special interest groups.
I would seek to open a dialogue—in italiano, finally!—with the Italian people.
I would seek to bring Italians and Americans together in a spirit of friendship and respect.
I would seek to enhance throughout the world the role of both Italy and the United States of America as examples of peace and goodwill.
1 January 2002
Please distribute this plea to your friends.
Send it to the United States’ Embassy in Roma.
Anthony St. John,
The Outside the Box Ambassador